Change, Persevere

Hold On

Today I brought my son to his 9 month check-up. As I pulled in, as I have done the past 3 months since he was born, I couldn’t help but remember the previous times driving him to this very spot.

When Chase was born, we were both undergoing job transitions and money was tight to say the least. I remember not being able to afford the family plan for insurance of $850 a month and having to put Chase on Medicaid. I felt like such a failure. Medicaid? That’s for those who are down-trodden and have no option. How can that be us? How did that get to be us right now? How am I earning that low that this is where college brought me? I felt like a failure, a complete failure.

This was a time in our lives where I’d have to search out which credit card to use for medical bills because of Greg landing in the ICU for 5 nights the months prior due to Lyme Carditis. It was a time where I wanted to cry all the time and couldn’t see how life could possibly get better. We were two professionals, two people with degrees, two people with solid values and work ethic. But there I sat staring at hospital bills and screening my calls.

But this time, this time when I pulled into the pediatrician’s office, it was different. I was peaceful, resolute, and sure of myself. Those hospital bills are now paid. Our family has great insurance that’s mostly all employer paid. Those two professionals now have stable jobs. That baby we had in December, is healthy and oh so happy.

My point in writing is this: many times when we go through really tough times, I mean, knee-jerking, wind out of our lungs, bad times, we get tunnel vision. All we see, is our problems, it’s like the wall paper of our brains just “bad times”. We dread the phone ringing, the mail in the mailbox, or the doctor’s report. However, we also need to know this, that the storms do pass. The crap does go away with a big shovel. If we are willing to just take another step forward, to survive another day, it will get better in time.

9 months ago, I didn’t see all this as possible. I didn’t see a savings account back in our future, a healthy spouse and baby, a healthy me, new and better career paths, a better home, bills paid early. But as I pulled into that drive today, such a simple thing really, I saw hope. I saw what time and hard work can do with prayer. And I gave God some seriously overdue thanks.

So hold on, mama. Hold on in your tough times and know we see you sitting in your car, your bathroom, your office, in tears. We see you struggle, we see you feeling alone like it’s only you. It’s not. Just hold on for another day.


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