All in the course of a couple of months:
- We had just gone through job transitions
- Had a horrible miscarriage
- Found out we were expecting
All sorts of different life events, good and bad hitting us all at once. I knew I felt isolated being an hour away from my family but somehow we felt there was a reason for it. Day by day, nothing made sense. We tried to figure out why things were going so off kilter but nothing added up. I remember how hard it was just trying to survive during this time, how it felt like survival mode would never end. The feeling of constantly focusing on bills, cleaning, and doctor bills.
Just as things started to look up — Greg started to convulse one night. He twitched and moved on the couch in such an erratic way that it looked like a gran mal seizure. We rushed him to the hospital and he was checked into the trauma unit — Lyme carditis. After almost losing my spouse, and being 33 weeks pregnant, I felt myself losing some sense of joy and sensibility. I don’t know if you’ve gone through something that knocked the wind out of you, but that’s where I was at.
I remember sleeping on the floor of the hospital and wondering what would happen next –to all of us.
Greg made it out of the Lyme well, and Chase was born. It was an emergency birth and it was difficult. It was the year that yielded some of the greatest blessings and the greatest challenges.
Hoping for Greg to get called back to work quickly, months passed by. Construction season wasn’t moving as it should, but the medical bills didn’t stop, and my benefits and pay weren’t great for a growing family. So back to the interviews I went at 3 months post-par tum. I had borrowed some suits from a family friend because I wasn’t completely deflated yet. But I pounded the pavement. I’m not sure where I got that strength from if not from God. The year had worn me out. I went to counseling, I prayed, and I cried.
But I say all that, not as a pity party or self-indulgence. But mama’s, ladies, you’ve been through stuff and I know you have. I’ve talked with you, I’ve cried with you. And it’s okay. Sometimes our road to motherhood, wife-hood, starting out is hard. I know sometimes we see photos of Cancun vacations and margaritas on the beach, but it’s not the whole picture.
This past year was the hardest year of my life. It tested the life right out of me. But it also was a blessing in it’s own right. We loved more deeply, appreciated our son post-miscarriage, and realized how tough we really are. I found I can get a job pregnant or post-pregnancy and maintain it. I found my grit, I found my strength. We have a new found appreciation for what we have and a deep sense of gratitude.
It was the hardest year, I never wish to repeat it. But man, we did it.